Sunday, November 16, 2008

diptych of the wreckage


"Wreckage 1" c. '08 annie farnsworth
8.5" x 11" mixed media collage & original poem
on recycled pasteboard





"Wreckage 2"
c.'08 annie farnsworth
8.5" x 11" mixed media collage & original poem
on recycled pasteboard



These are meant to be displayed side by side as it is one poem in two parts. But I couldn't figure out how to post them that way in the blog. Which is fitting, I suppose, since the two people involved in the poem couldn't figure out how to integrate their separate selves into one whole either. And that's a bigger tragedy than i could ever do justice to with paper and glue.

AEDM, Sat. 11/15 & Sun. 11/16

Friday, November 14, 2008

perfect day to see the pain specialist


"Having to Wing It" c. 2008 Miz Annie
7.5" x 10.5" mixed media collage for AEDM


There's this saying about time. That Time is what keeps everything from happening all at once. You have good days, you have bad days. You have time in which to enjoy the joys and then for contrast you get the dark nights of the soul. The yin and the yang and all of that. Which is great in theory but every once in a while I think the works get gummed up and you get a day like I was gifted with today which seemed to be both at once. First the good news; I have a new job! I was told that I probably wouldn't hear until next week but I got the call today that I had been selected. I also saw my *Pain Specialist* today and it looks like I have a great plan in place for treatment that does not involve invasive surgery. My back is going to be just fine.

Right now it just feels like something else is broken.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

a great giveaway! and other blatherings from the insomnia zone

I have had a bit of insomniomniomniomnia.... so what am I doing? Trolling the intermanet, of course, and finding all sorts of gorgeous new projects I want to play with. Something about the cool weather (complete with frosty mornings) that make me just want to sew. Quilts, in particular, if i can get my foolish Singer to start cooperating! I still have a set of pillows in progress, as well as a small flannel/chenille quilt that I started several YEARS ago (oh, hush now. like you don't). And ALL the squares ready to go into my daughter's Bai Jia Bei, or 100 Good Wishes Quilt. Yes, my daughter joined our family in 2004, but, you know, I've been sort of busy. ;-) This is the year, however. Both kids know they're getting quilts from me for Christmas and my daughter is not going to let me off the hook, believe me.

I didn't make this, i just snitched it from this nice lady
so I could show you an example. Isn't it gorgeous?
I love the Chinese characters in the corners.

If you have not heard of the Bai Jia Bei, please click on the link and check it out! While I'm dubious that this tradition still continues in China, it has certainly become a tradition among Americans waiting for the referrals of their adopted Chinese babies! While waiting for Halle I solicited squares from family and friends (okay, I also joined a Yahoo group and participated in more swaps than I care to admit to), and now have all of these gorgeous 6" squares to put into a quilt (okay, several quilts). Along with the 6" squares people added 2" squares that will go into a scrapbook along with their cards and well-wishes. Halle will be able to look at the scrapbook and find the fabric that each person sent; it will be fun to look at and match up the names to the squares that are in the quilt. So tonight (with the insomniomniomnia.....) I have been trolling for quilt patterns that will be heirloom-worthy but also not so complicated that the lovely fabrics aren't showcased. I am quite enamored with the disappearing 9-patch that everyone seems to be playing with these days; it looks do-able for the newbie and also a great way to use pre-cut squares. But I also might want to do something just very simple with sashing around each square to showcase the variety of fabrics. Sometimes simple just really is better. We shall see!


In my travels, I found this great giveaway! Okay, so maybe the blog title lured me in: Feeling Lucky? (tee hee!) But it's a great giveaway from a very talented artist and the prize is to die for! I'm sharing it here with you for extra brownie points. My foster dog will be going to his new home soon and I'll need an extra quilt to help keep me warm at night, so I hope I win!!

it's the most...wonderful time... of the yeeearrrr!

Oh HEY! The email I sent myself from downstairs yesterday finally arrived. So here's what's cooking at the magic cottage:


All year I save pictures, magazines, wrapping paper scraps -- anything holiday-related -- and stash them in a special folder for my exclusive line of Pandenominational Holiday Ornaments! I've been making these for several years now. Like Newman's Own brand (without the wild financial success-- yet!), it sort of "started as a joke and has gotten out of hand."

A few years ago I was asked why, as a self-proclaimed neo-pagan Buddhist, I bothered with a Christmas tree. The short answer is "why can't we all just get along?" My ornaments are just a fun, visual way to say Hey! Christians don't corner the market on holiday fun! We can all take this time to love each other, celebrate family, eat way too much pie, and pay homage to all our ascended masters without discrimination. The first year I just made a few for friends, and a family Yankee Swap. Last year I made even more, hosted an ornament swap, and posted a bunch on my Etsy shop where, much to my surprise, they sold like hotcakes! (okay! i sold all of the four hotcakes I listed! LOL!) You can check out pics from my 2007 line here at Flickr.

Fancy scissors & Astronomy magazine; yup, the holidays are coming!

Here are three in-progress samples from my brandy-new 2008 line; these still need the glitter glue edging, brass screw-eyes with fancy-schmancy ribbon hangers, and a final gloss-coat of Mod Podge.

Now back to that critical analysis of Carson, Butcher, and Mineka's Abnormal Psychology and Modern Life.
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mood: Free Smileys & Emoticons at Clipart of.com hopeful

currently listening to:

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

upstairs downstairs

I was going to post pics of the pieces I've been working on for the past two days, but they're on my other computer. I am moving from my old, decrepit Dell that is destined to simply implode one of these days to a new hybrid Dell (I couldn't afford a Prius, so I got this! haha). The new system kicks ass, but as is inevitable with a move to a new 'puter the usual glitches have ensued: programs that I use every day (Pagemaker! Photoshop!) are not compatible with the new operating system so I have to do stuff on the old one and then email things to myself to pull up on the new one. Then, documents formatted in the new-fangled Word program get all wonky when I pull them up on the old machine, but I have to print from the old machine because I haven't moved the printer. And I hear tell there is a slick way to move your email address book from one machine to another but as yet I have not been able to pull that off either, so I find myself downstairs on the old machine, forwarding myself copies of old emails just so I can use the addresses because, well, god forbid I write down an email address with like, a pen, on say, a piece of paper, like some sort of luddite. (1)

But those are all just minor irritations which will just sort of smooth themselves out eventually. In the meanwhile here's a picture of my foster dog, Chili Bean, who has a hot date with a potential adopter this weekend. I'm sure she will simply fall in love with him, as does everyone who comes within a ten foot radius of his cuteness, so I am preparing myself for the inevitable good bye.

I mean, seriously! Hella-cute, isn't he? The mildly worried look you see here is actually a "poor me" expression that he has perfected to induce people to share their Cheez-Its with him. He is a complete pain the bum and we absolutely and unequivocally adore him.

In other news, I had a job interview today. And tomorrow... (drum roll please....) is my coveted and long-awaited appointment with the pain specialist. (Aren't those magical words, when uttered together?)

Photobucket



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(1) I used to pronounce that "LOO- dite," until I used the word in conversation and was mocked with great glee by a friend who shall remain nameless. This is a great example of why people who may be fairly well-read might still sound like morons if they attempt to socialize in real-people land: entire swathes of their vocabulary may have only been experienced in print, not actually ever heard pronounced. (I mean, how do you pronounce swathe? you see what I mean.) Another case in point: I once auditioned for a play and when I read aloud from the script: "There's an Episcopal church right down the street" I pronounced it "epi-SCOPE-al." Great memory to re-live if I'm feeling a bit too cocky; brings me right back down to Humbleville.

Monday, November 10, 2008

already home but still with errands to run

"Already Home" c. 2008 Miz Annie

7.5" x 10" mixed media collage w/ art papers,
magazine cutouts, & laser print on recycled pasteboard.
AEDM for Nov. 10.

"Spiritual practice isn’t about trying to throw ourselves away and become something better,” teaches Pema Chödrön. “It is,” she says, “about befriending who we are already.”

I am a huge Chödrön fan; I have a much-loved copy of When Things Fall Apart that I keep at the ready for when.... well...when things fall apart. And they seem to do so fairly often these days. One of the biggest lessons that Chödrön shares is that we rob ourselves of so much of our own lives, our own human experience, by disassociating from anything that falls into the spectrum of what we've learned to label as "bad." In other words, when we start to feel that a moment in time is horrible, painful, unbearable, even just frustrating, irritating, or mildly unpleasant -- we want to run. We don't want to experience those feelings so we throw everything else out with that bathwater. And each unpleasant moment we discard is a moment that will never come again. You might read that and think, "Well, good riddance to it!" as though our particular emotional state is all that exists in that moment of time. How egotistical! Are we that self-centered that we can imagine that those moments are all disposable, because they happen to be moments in which we are irritated? (or pained, or lonely, or __________ fill in the blank)

I admit that I am often very bad at this "being in the present" stuff. Yup. So many of my present moments lately are ones in which I'm in physical pain and sometimes all I can muster up is that everything else can go to hell. But I'm working on it. I'm working on remembering that each moment contains far more than my fleeting emotional state, or my fleeting physical state. It contains millions of people engaged in millions of activities and thoughts. Wars are being fought, songs are being sung, babies are crying or laughing or sleeping, and my dog is chewing a slipper. The moon is nearly full, the leaves are rustling in the wind, the neighbor is showing off his shiny new truck. So much is happening! And it will never happen exactly like this ever again! Sometimes my own spiritual practice consists of little more than the prayer "Please allow me to get out of my own damned way." Once I can do that, there's a little more room for the rest of the world to enter my consciousness. So that is why Chödrön says that the present moment is our greatest teacher; if we can manage to allow ourselves to just be in each moment regardless of whether we've labelled it "good" or "bad," and don't get caught up too much in reacting to it, we can let go of a lot of what we have come to feel as "suffering."

And again, just because I'm writing about it doesn't mean I consider myself remotely good at it. I most certainly am not.(1) I am particularly prone to living not from this moment but from some future moment when things are really going to kick ass! "I will sooooo be a better person," I think, "when my back doesn't hurt." I won't be so crabby (or irritated, or angry, or stressed out...) when I get a new job. Or when I win the lotto. Or when X, Y, or Z happens. I forget to look at all the other things that are going on in the current moment, and what I can do to move forward. Send another resume, ask for help with the housework, take the dogs for a walk to the store and buy a lottery ticket. It never fails that in the act of simply moving forward from that moment, instead of becoming the feeling of dissatisfaction and embodying it, I have honored not only my Self, but also that previously unbearable, seemingly disposable moment. Simply by allowing myself to be in it. By using it as a metaphorical home base and venturing out its front door.

Begin where you are; work where you are;
the hour which you are now wasting,
dreaming of some far off success
may be crowded with grand possibilities.


~ Orison Swett Marden ~

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(1) I suspect that the Buddha himself wasn't that good at it, or he would not have had to leave his wife and children and go sit under a big tree to "discover" enlightenment. But that's a topic for another blog. ;-)

I found that quote

The "self help guru" I mentioned in yesterday's blog was actually Stephen Covey and the quote I was thinking of came from his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families, which is actually much warmer and readable than its business seminar-sounding title might imply.

Covey tells the story of a conversation he had at one of his workshops, during which a man came up to him and said, "[...] My wife and I just don't have the same feelings for each other that we used to have. I guess I just don't love her anymore, and she doesn't love me. What can I do?"

"The feeling isn't there anymore?" Covey inquired.
"That's right," the man reaffirmed, "And we have three children we're really concerned about. What do you suggest?"
"Love her," Covey replied.
"I told you, the feeling just isn't there anymore."
"Love her."
"You don't understand. The feeling of love isn't there."

"Then love her. If the feeling isn't there, that's a good reason to love her."

"But how do you love when you don't love?"

"My friend, love is a verb. Love -- the feeling -- is a fruit of the love the verb. So love her. Sacrifice. Listen to her. Empathize. Appreciate. Affirm her. Are you willing to do that?"

Covey goes on to admonish Hollywood for giving us all the deluded idea that love is a feeling and not a verb; we've all come to expect other people to induce in us some nirvanic feeling of bliss when in actuality that feeling comes as a result of loving someone (loving, as in the action word. the VERB.) He also offers a quote by M. Scott Peck:

"The desire to love is not love itself love... Love is an act of will -- namely an intention and an action. Will also implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love. No matter how much we may think we are loving, if we are in fact not loving, it is because we have chosen not to love and therefore do not love despite our good intentions. On the other hand, whenever we do actually exert ourselves in the cause of spiritual growth, it is because we have chosen to do so. The choice to love has been made."


"Live Reverently"
2.5" x 3.5" ACEO c. 2008 Miz Annie
AEDM for Nov. 9, '08 & one for the Yogi Tea Tag series

mixed media collage on recycled pasteboard with magazine cutouts, glitter hearts and Yogi Tea tag.

Saturday, November 08, 2008

home remedies from the magic cottage

"Love More" c. 2008 Miz Annie
5" x 7" mixed media collage

This was today's AEDM piece, which includes a quote from Thoreau which can be interpreted any number of ways to suit your own dysfunctionality. I would offer the disclaimer that I don't think Thoreau had it in mind that if you are in a crap relationship that isn't working, the best thing to do is continue giving 100% even when the other person is sitting around smoking Pall Malls and picking at his shorts. It doesn't mean that if you just love your partner "enough" or love them "the right way" they will stop abusing you. It means, well, at least to me it means that even if love has gone wrong, disappointed you, or otherwise let you down in some fashion, the solution is not to vow never to love again. The solution is simply to allow that experience to fall away, learn from it if you can, and move on. Love takes many forms and sometimes shows up when you least expect it. Maybe it is already here and you simply no longer recognize it? I also love how the subject "Love" is both a noun and a verb in this quote. Who is that famous relationship guru who is always saying "Love is a verb!" We talk about love as though it's a person we're waiting for, or some nirvanic state of mind they induce in us. If we don't hear angelic choirs (or Coldplay) and hearts and flowers don't weave through the air about our heads when we text each other, it must not be love. Feh! Think of it as a verb, see what that does for a shift in perspective. It always helps me, anyway.(1)

"Blue Archway" c. 2008 Miz Annie
5" x 7" mixed media collage on recycled pasteboard

Well, this is a morose little piece, is it not? I don't really care for it. But hey, we can't hit them all out of the ballpark, as I'm wont to say when participating in these once-a-day kind of things.

Meanwhile......


My son has been such an awesome help to me the past couple of months. He knows my back is hurting so he does all the chores around the house that require lifting (taking out the trash, lugging the laundry up or down the stairs, carrying in the groceries, moving boxes to or from the basement). He sweeps the kitchen for me as well as the stairs (which, due to the fact we have so many pets, is a daily requirement). In addition to helping with the housework, my son has lately become obsessed with creating the ultimate healing potion for me. (well, I'm sure all this extra work has motivated him to help find a cure! haha!). He is reading up on the healing properties of various foods and vitamins. Last night he made me hot "tea" made with cranberry and pomegranate juice, "for the antioxidants." Today he made an incredible curried carrot soup (okay, I helped a little), which was so good I had to share the recipe with you.


(the tee-shirt says "Save Trees - Eliminate Homework!")

Saute about a tablespoon of minced garlic and one large diced yellow onion in a generous dash of olive oil. Add about 2 cups sliced mushrooms and saute some more.

Separately, dissolve a cube of vegetable boullion in about a cup of hot water, add to the sauteed veggies along with about a quart of water, 5 or 6 large carrots, shredded fine (we used the Cuisinart so it took seconds), and half a block of extra firm tofu, cut into about 1/2" cubes. Season with salt and pepper, 1/2 tsp curry powder, 1/2 teaspoon garam masala, and 1/2 teaspoon ground cumin. Simmer for half an hour to 45 minutes. To be honest, these amounts are just good guesses; you might have to adjust especially the water - I'm really bad at estimating amounts of water. This soup was so easy to make and delicious - even the kids loved it.


Adding the shredded carrots.

The house smells so good while this is simmering! Veggie nuggets (Morningstar Farms makes an awesome version) and edamame completed the meal. MMMMM!


Hal and I have been cooking too; the other night we made a magnificent white-trash Green Bean Casserole
(recipe is on the mushroom soup can). It is a horrible, disgusting dish which I absolutely adore. I told her that it was a traditional November dish, and that we had to practice making it for Thanksgiving. (As if it takes practice to open cans).


Gross. But Halle had fun "cooking" with mom and was so proud to dish it up at suppertime. Jacob, unfortunately, found it completely inedible (as it probably is) and having to eat it nearly brought him to tears. I caught him balling up a mouthful in a dinner napkin and attempting to furtively pocket it for later disposal. I would have been mad but I was too busy laughing. Hysterically.

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(1) again, when I speak of love, one must listen with the salt shaker in hand. Cuz, you know, what the heck do I know?

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

today's piece is for Caitlin

"Hope is the thing"
c. 2008 miz annie



7.25" x 10.5" mixed media collage w/art paper, magazine cutouts, photograph, & JoJo feathers on recycled pasteboard. In case you can't read my handwriting, the quote is from Emily Dickinson:

"Hope is the thing with feathers
that perches in the soul,
and sings the song without words,
and never stops at all."

with love to Caitlin.
XO

tuesday's AEDM piece

"to love someone"
c. 2008 miz annie

4"x4" mixed media collage
(recycled pasteboard, magazine cutouts,
laser print on adhesive vellum, glitter glue)


Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Locksmith

Yesterday I had planned to finish a sewing project and count that as my AEDM piece. My sewing machine, however, would have none of it. I adjusted and readjusted all the tension knobs, re-threaded and messed with it and still, I kept getting tight stitches on top and a looping tangled mess underneath. After ripping out countless seams, I was ready to throw the machine out in my yard. Fortunately, I can barely lift the thing at the moment so I contemplated asking a volunteer to do the "Singer Fling" for me. Then I realized if I was going to go to the trouble of soliciting a volunteer for that I could just as easily solicit a knowledgable sewing person to help me adjust the damn machine. I did the only thing sensible at that point: emailed my mom.
Meanwhile, using my frustration as fuel, I went ahead and made something else. I rather like it.

"The Locksmith Befriends the Snake" c. 2008 miz annie
(12.5" x 14.5" including frame)

This is a mixed media assemblage on some cool corrugated stuff that came as packing material for some item I can't now recall. I sidestepped the glue wrinkling issue by only using it on the edges of the paper elements and sewing the found objects right through the base cardboard. The frame is an old vintage piece someone tried to strip the paint off of at one point; I like the shabby chic "distressed" look they left when they gave up on it.

Later I remembered some words on transforming anger from a book on which I'd just finished writing a paper:

"While aggressive energy at its most primitive levels can become destructive, in its more evolved form it becomes creative power. Many spiritual leaders have warned against despising or deprecating aggression, pointing to the consequent dangers of helplessness and resignation. Rama Krishna, for example, used to narrate the story of an incredibly fierce and venomous snake. One day this snake met a sage and, overpowered by the latter's gentleness, lost its ferocity. The sage advised it to stop hurting people, and the snake resolved to live a life of innocence, without harming anyone.

"But as soon as the people in a nearby village realized that the snake wasn't dangerous anymore, they started to throw stones at it, to drag it by the tail and tease it in innumerable ways. The snake was having a very hard time. Luckily, the sage passed by the place again, and after seeing how badly battered the snake was and listening to its complaints, he simply said, "My friend, I told you to stop hurting people -- I didn't tell you never to hiss at them and scare them away." Rama Krishna concludes, "There is no harm in 'hissing ' at wicked men and at your enemies, showing that you can protect yourself and know how to resist evil. Only you must be careful not to pour your venom into the blood of your enemy. Resist not evil by causing evil in return."

(from Piero Ferrucci's What We May Be, c. 2001 Tarcher/Penguin

Sunday, November 02, 2008

Art Every Day Month

November is the Art Every Day Month challenge, brought to us by the same lovely spirit that brings us Creative Every Day.

Here's what I made yesterday. It's a mixed media collage on 12" x 16" stretched canvas and the details of the goddess' face are all washed out here; I had to use a flash because it was too cold to take this outside & photograph it under natural light. I may try again tomorrow; this really doesn't do the piece justice.

"Kwan Yin with Extra Molecules"
c. 2008 Miz Annie

Today's offering is still drying.
I may or may not post it tomorrow, depending on whether those horrendous wrinkles dry flat.
Now I am off to finish a paper, and a sewing project, before it's time to head out for a petsit with one of my favorite kitty clients and go pick up the kids.

Hope you are all having a restful Sunday, dear ones.

Saturday, November 01, 2008

mah jong is my nicotine patch


Happy November! I got to see my former foster dog, Dakota, today! His new name is Yoda. No comment on that. But the handsome guy remembered me for sure and gave me lots of hugs and kisses, which I happily returned. His new mom is AWESOME; I can tell that she's taking great care of him and he is making new friends wherever he goes. So gratifying, to see him doing so well, and to know that I had a tiny part in his journey to his forever home.

After a short lapse in judgment, a fall off of the wagon, as it were, I am back to my self-imposed Myspace ban. No. Myspace. Whatsoever. That place is evil. Notice how I said "place," as though it were an actual physical, geographical area somewhere in real-people land, which it certainly is not. Once you've become hooked, it's a tough habit to break. Instant gratification, passive entertainment galore. No attention span is required! This is an attractive option when you've got critical analyses to write and you're tired and your fatigued little brain cells can't seem to absorb anything requiring intellectual focus. Further, on a site like Myspace you can interact socially without ever having to put on makeup or leave your house! You can pretend that you are using your creative talents by "pimping" your page and photoshopping amusing comments to send to your "friends," most of whom you've never met in person. I absolutely adore it. But we're no good for each other, Myspace and me... Myspace takes me away from my "real" friends and my children, it tricks me into thinking that because I've coordinated my html wallpaper with my table borders I am really "decorating." It lures me into believing that because people leave me "comments" that they actually like me or give a shit about my life.


Quitting Myspace is not easy. It's like quitting any other habit that has taken up your time and attention and given you something resembling joy and social interaction; you need to replace it with something or you are going to backslide. I have fallen off the wagon myself. But I'm going to try again. This time, instead of cold turkey I am going to allow myself some other mindless distraction to wean myself off of it, much the way a smoker might use nicotine gum. I hate to replace one shitty habit with another, but frankly, if I spent even HALF the time I used to spend dicking around on Myspace on something more productive (studying, cleaning the house, playing a game with my kids, making art, reading a book, walking the dogs, talking to real live friends on the real live phone....) that still leaves me with hours of unclaimed time that I am accustomed to spending in a mindless html semi-coma. So, I have devised a step-down program involving Mah Jongg(1), Yahoo News, Etsy.com, and any of the groovy sites I've listed to the right. These distractions, in measured doses, should take the edge off just enough that I can get myself back on track with the life endeavors that I frequently claim are important to me. One day at a time. No peeking.



ps. If you have not seen "Lars and the Real Girl" yet, hie thee to the video store and rent it. It is a gorgeous little film that surprised me with its depth and poignancy. It might have been the Vicodin talking but I cried through much of it. Totally worth the rental fee, thumbs up and all that.

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(1) In the spirit of sharing with anyone else who may need a step-down program from an evil social-networking site, this is my favorite version of mahjongg:
http://www.freegames.ws/games/boardgames/mahjong/freemahjong.htm
There are, of course, many others but none offer the tribal drum sound and the graphic of the spewing volcano when you "win." And, you know, that counts for something.



Monday, October 27, 2008

a few new things

"Trust your own instinct. Your mistakes might as well
be your own, instead of someone else's."
~ Billy Wilder ~


"Trust thyself: every heart vibrates to that iron string."
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson ~

"trust" c. 2008 miz annie
(today's Daily Devotion)


I just finished the below pillows and am really pleased with how they came out. I love the Tree of Life motif and found a great deal on a bit of yardage from another Etsy seller. The other fabrics are a mix of funky stripes, a bamboo print, and a great asian "calico" that is shot through with metallic detailing. Sort of a mish-mash but it all works together. These are 14"x14" and are up on my Etsy shop now! I am working on another, larger, pair; those are for a gift.

Front view - Tree of Life panels surrounded by
batiks and asian metallics.




Back view showing the envelope closure with
green silk
cord tied around wooden buttons.

In other news, I have another job interview coming up and am very excited about that. I am hoping that when I speak with the neuro-whose-a-maperson regarding my back, the news won't be quite so dire. I am hoping to maybe get in with the pain specialist and see if we can get some cortisone injections on board so that I can find a new job and get settled in before I have to have surgery. Also, if I am doing physical therapy in the interim, there's a chance I may not need the surgery .... I realize this borders on denial, but I am a healer, after all, and I trust that I will find a solution that won't involve me being out of work for an extended period of time while recovering from major surgery. I just don't see how I have that kind of time. I am trusting the universe to meet me halfway on this one. Because I really need it to. Unless, of course, the universe has even bigger and better plans for me, and in that case, bring 'em on!

The well of Providence is deep.
It’s the buckets we bring to it that are small.

~ Mary Webb ~


me and The Bean.

(photo by joan nixon, apparently the only person alive
who can take a decent photo of me. ;-)

Friday, October 24, 2008

what MRI stands for

If you think getting an x-ray is weird, try the MRI sometime. Not only does the machine enable someone to look at your innards, it will show a rendering of your innards in a three-dimensional kind of way. Like a hologram, only way creepier! My complaint about the MRI is not that you have to go lie in a tube that feels somewhat coffin-like (and it's all radioactive and loud - they give you earplugs so when you come out you aren't crippled and deaf), but that you have to lie in the tube flat on your back, which is a difficult position for those of us with disk problems. Lying flat on my back means that my disk presses on my sciatic nerve and sends a referring pain that feels somewhat like an icepick stabbing into my hip socket. Not to be dramatic, but that's as good of a description as I can come up with, and one which the MRI technician said was used commonly. So I'm not the only whiney titty-baby in this scenario.


<<<< EEEWWWWWWW!

(not my actual disk. mine looks less like a cartoon
and doesn't have any typesetting on it.)


Anyhoodle, it wasn't claustrophobia that got me, it was the pain spasms. "Oh," the technician said through the tinny speaker three inches from my nose, "you moved that time. We'll have to do that one over. Hold still, try not to breathe, this one's for 4 and a half minutes" BEEP BEEP BEEP. We had to do a couple of them over. I was in that damned thing for about 45 minutes. I tried to breathe really small and unobtrusive-like, using the Thich Nhat Hanh "i'm breathing in, i'm breathing out" thing, but the small voice inside me kept saying SHIT! I'm stuck in a tube! And there's an icepick in my hip socket! I lay there thinking, Gee, I don't remember the MRI being this painful when I had it done back in 2005.... When the results were in, the reason for that was clear. There is apparently further damage to the disk; I believe the technical term we use here in Maine is "stove up all to hell."


It's a sobering thought that the window of opportunity
for me to investigate certain career choices is fast closing.
I'm crossing acrobatics, logging, and stone wall
construction off my list. Dammit.


Conferring with my doctor this morning I was told that since my disk is "stove up all to hell" I could still do the physical therapy which might help a bit though it wouldn't fix the problem, and I could see the pain specialist and try the cortisone injections but it was doubtful even that would help much; what I really need is "surgical intervention." All in all, not a real uplifting chat we had there. I won't know more until I speak to the neuro-somebody-or-other who can look at those blobby pictures (thanks to me "breathing in and breathing out" just a little too vigorously in the tube) and see just where the disc is poking out and how we can get to it. Needless to say, I am disappointed and still hoping for some miraculous, minimally-invasive procedure to present itself (Magic School Bus in your Spine!)





In the meantime, send me good thoughts. And chocolate. Or, a funny joke.(1)

________________________________


(1) Oh wait, that reminds me!

Why were the pilgrims' pants always falling down?
......

Because they wore their belt buckles on their hats!



Why are gorillas' nostrils so big?
......

Because their fingers are.



What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
.......

Anyone can roast beef!



What does MRI stand for?
......

Because it hurts too much to lie down!




Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Chili Dog Haiku



small dog on my lap
dusted with Hint O'Lime crumbs
how I adore you



Chili Bean


Chili Bean is an adorable, funny, and very loving chihuahua min-pin mix I am currently fostering for Almost Home Rescue. If you are interested in giving Mr. Bean a forever home, please visit their website and fill out an application! If you have any questions regarding Mr. Bean's ample cuteness and endless entertainment value, just ask me! We've become pretty good pals over the past week or two, so I can totally vouch for this little character.




Saturday, October 18, 2008

What it Means to Dream of Milkweed and Sunlight

"Not only are you
the shadow
that is dancing on the wall,
but you are the hand
that makes the shadow,
and you are the light."

~ Emmanuel ~





I have been here before,
But when or how I cannot tell.
I know the grass beyond the door,
The sweet keen smell, The sighing sound,
the lights around the shore.


~ Dante Gabriel Rossetti ~



(golden canopy, my back yard)

If we are only open to those discoveries
which will accord with what we already
know, we might as well stay shut.

~ Alan Watts ~





(green and gold, in my back yard)

Life is a gift, and it is yours to learn
how to receive, not to earn.

~ Lazaris ~


(Bittersweet [Celastrus scandens], climbing the columns that no longer hold anything up)


Once you understand the symbolic nature of physical reality,
then you will no longer feel entrapped by it.
You have formed the symbols, and therefore
you can change them.
~ Seth ~




( New England Asters, my side garden)


We have finally come to a place where we can read the symbols in our dreams, and use that interpretation to learn more about our waking selves, our waking lives. I think even the average person could give you a basic dream interpretation now, whereas a few years ago this was thought of as entirely "New Age" stuff (a term I abhor, by the way). Entire books have been written about dream symbology; how bodies of water represent the emotional life, for example, or a vehicle in which you travel signifies how you are making your way through your waking life. Before I divorced, I had nightmares in which I was riding in a car with my (then)husband; he was drunk, and driving recklessly, but we were going too fast for me to safely jump out. Of course, in real life my ex was "in charge" of where we were going, financially and otherwise, and the scenery whizzing past the windows was indeed frightening, as was the gas gauge on "empty." It was after my divorce, after I had gotten a new job and finally felt like I was again in charge of my own destiny when I realized I was back behind the wheel of my life, so to speak. In my dreams, I was driving. Sometimes a bicycle, sometimes a car, but I was behind the wheel(a.). I was choosing my own speed and direction, deciding when to stop to refuel.


Gill Edwards, in her book Living Magically, talks about the importance of remembering this concept in our waking lives. It is probably the single most important point connecting the metaphysical, "holistic" therapies with the evidenced-based Cognitive Behavior Therapy, of which I've written much elsewhere. We literally create our own reality with our thoughts. Somehow, so often, we forget this. We forget the three-fold law and the law of attraction and the inevitable consequences of "what we put out there." A good reminder, is to pretend that our waking life is a dream (as some have suggested, in point of fact, that it is), and interpret it the way we would interpret a dream.


Edwards' exercise:

1) Think of a situation, event or physical symptom you have experienced in the past few days. Write down this experience as if it were a dream. Try to ignore the clutter and detail, and look for the central themes or metaphors. Ask yourself why you created this experience. [...] Was it the mirror of your inner world -- your thoughts, beliefs, desires, emotions, fears, choices, or expectations? Was it guidance from your Higher Self? Or was it an opportunity to develop certain qualities -- such as unconditional love, forgiveness, inner peace, self-love....[...]
2) In the coming weeks and months, ask yourself as often as you can remember: 'Why am I creating this? Is it mirror, guidance, or opportunity? (b.)




_________________________________________________
a.) how fitting that the first car I purchased after my divorce was named "Escape." I still have it, and it's paid for. And if I'm going to use the exercise as above, I need to ask myself why, since about two months ago, the front, driver-side door only opens from the inside. hmmmm......

b.) Edwards, Gill, Living Magically: A New Vision of Reality. Piatkus Publishers, London, 1991. pg. 143.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Stumbling Toward It

“I do not at all understand the mystery of grace -
only that it meets us where we are
but does not leave us where it found us.”
~ Anne Lamott ~



“For grace is given not because we have done good works,
but in order that we may be able to do them.”
~ Saint Augustine of Hippo ~

“Grace is the central invitation to life and the final word.
It's the beckoning nudge and the overwhelming,
undeserved mercy that urges us to change and grow,
and then gives us the power to pull it off.”
~ Tim Hansel ~


“We're all stumbling towards the light
with varying degrees of grace at any given moment.”
~ Bo Lozoff ~

“Grace is given to heal the spiritually sick,
not to decorate spiritual heroes.”
~ Martin Luther ~

Sunday, October 12, 2008

I'll have something from the light menu with a side of redemption

I have been so down, and so sore. I re-injured my back and the doctor I have been seeing for ten years would not see me because I am now on MaineCare. Mighty unfriendly, if you ask me. All my prescriptions ran out before I could get in to see the new doctor. I finally had my first appointment this past Friday, and not a moment too soon. I could barely stand up from pain (nor could i sit comfortably, or lie down, for that matter....) and was frustrated. And tired. Tired of being frustrated and tired. Perhaps the most demoralizing part of chronic pain is the effort it takes to pretend that you're not in it. Trying to keep functioning because you don't want to freak the kids out and you need to go to the job interview and you need to buy groceries but you're exhausted from not being able find a pain-free position in which you can sleep. Or sit. Or stand. When the doctor showed great empathy and started writing prescriptions for Prednisone and painkillers, and said she would get me in for an MRI and a pain specialist a.s.a.p., I couldn't help it -- I started crying. Sometimes great relief does that. It catches you by surprise. Sometimes you don't know how dark things have been until you find yourself blinking, gratefully, in the light.


photo by Joani N.
No, that's not a cane. It's a "hiking stick." Which for my
purposes
just means it's a cane with a long handle
that I don't need insurance to pay for.

Our big tabby, Tucker, loves to walk with us. I live on a cul-de-sac dirt road that winds through the pine trees to the river. On either side are ditches of rainwater, blackberry brambles, milkweed. Dog and cat heaven, in other words. I've avoided our regular route the past week, because of my back pain and missing Dakota's exuberant, joyful presence. Snuffling through the fallen leaves, sampling ditchwater, racing around the meadow, this was Dakota's favorite part of the day. But today, the sun was shining and the smell of fallen leaves returning to the earth was delicious in the air. We walked down to the house by the river where no one lives, where the grass has grown long and the dogs love to roll around. Tucker follows along just like another dog, popping kitty wheelies to be petted, and purring in complete contentment.



Tucker leaning in for some love.
photo by Joani N.

Me and my man Tim.
Photo by Joani N.

After lunch we got the call to come pick up my newest foster, Chilibean. Chili is being returned to the rescue after living with a family in Vermont for ... a while. Apparently, it wasn't working out. Out of respect for the family who will likely never in a million years read this blog, I won't say much more than that. I will just say that I'm proud to be part of a rescue group that can, in less than a few hours, organize a transport chain of four drivers to get a sad, lonely little dog who's been tied out all day to a new foster home two states away where he can sleep indoors, have fresh food and water, hugs and kisses, and walks down a dirt road bordered with milkweed and blackberry brambles. The other volunteers know I'm having a back issue right now and to prevent me having to sit in a car for any length of time made sure they got him to the turnpike exit that's a mere 10 minutes from my house.


Chilibean. A.K.A. Chilly-Willie. Chill-Bill. Mr. Bean.
Beanie-Weenie. The Ween. The Bean. Teeny.



SUBJECT MUCH CUTER THAN HE APPEARS IN PHOTO.

Pictured here wearing the latest in phlorescent harness fashions for those walks during hunting season in New England, is Chilibean. Half Chihuahua, half Miniature Pinscher, Chilibean has the most beguiling features each breed has to offer. The apple head and soft flippy ears of the chihuahua set on the more sturdy, bi-colored min-pin body. He doesn't just walk or trot, he prances. Except for when he's chasing a cat, and then he FLIES! With unwavering focus! Well, to be more clear - Chili Bean LOVES the cats and is just being friendly. Several of my more dog-savvy cats know to just stand there and let him sniff them and he's happy as pie. Two of the other cats RUN, which makes Mr. Bean think he is supposed to chase them! What fun! Aside from these harmless shenanigans, Chili-Willy is a true lap dog; he'd rather be sitting on you than be anywhere else. He stands on his hind legs to ask to be picked up. He is eager to please and to learn new tricks. I don't think he's been worked with much, but with a little time and training he could be the star of the agility team's midget division, I just know it!

Yesterday, both he and I were truly at the end of our ropes. Today? We both got a little reminder of what the world looks like when the sun shines. And how grateful I am to know that it still can.





Tuesday, October 07, 2008

A few short for the upcoming three dog nights...

My foster dog, Dakota, has gone to live with his new forever family! I drove him down to his new home in Portsmouth, NH yesterday and he slept curled up with his head in my hand the whole way down. The lovely young woman who will be Dakota's new best friend has another dog for Dakota to play with and, in fact, her dog is super-shy and the hope is that Dakota will help bring the other dog out of her shell a bit.


It was heartbreaking leaving him there (those eyes! he was just so confused that I wasn't bringing him with me!) but I am confident that he is in capable and loving hands. Dakota is the kind of dog that is trusting and open to new people, and the fact that he bonded so strongly to me after being here for so short a time (he was here for a month, but he decided I was trustworthy after about four minutes) is a great sign that he is able to adapt and form attachments to new people. I, on the other hand, am having a bit of a hard time with it! I sure will miss that goofy, loveable guy. And, you know, now I'll be down by two when we have another "three dog night." Heating oil is coming down in price, that's true, but for me, a couple of dogs on the bed is better than a nice warm quilt or cranking up the furnace. Better for the environment, too, because you can turn that thermostat down a few notches at bedtime.
Adopting a dog is good for the planet! :-) If you're buying what I'm selling, you might want to visit petfinder.com for your next bedwarmer.

In the meantime, (speaking of the quilt option...) Here's what I've got in progress:


"Tree of Life" panels going into a modified log cabin design for pillows.


Strips for the "Pinwheels" version of the Bamboo & Pinwheels design.

You know, the one I couldn't wait to start and so I didn't bother ordering the pattern? Well, the bamboo portion was pretty easy but the pinwheels -- oy vey! I'm just winging it. If I can't get it to look like the picture in the pattern I'm just going to pretend I invented a new design. ;-)