Miz Annie's Magic Cottage: I found that quote

Monday, November 10, 2008

I found that quote

The "self help guru" I mentioned in yesterday's blog was actually Stephen Covey and the quote I was thinking of came from his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families, which is actually much warmer and readable than its business seminar-sounding title might imply.

Covey tells the story of a conversation he had at one of his workshops, during which a man came up to him and said, "[...] My wife and I just don't have the same feelings for each other that we used to have. I guess I just don't love her anymore, and she doesn't love me. What can I do?"

"The feeling isn't there anymore?" Covey inquired.

"That's right," the man reaffirmed, "And we have three children we're really concerned about. What do you suggest?"

"Love her," Covey replied.

"I told you, the feeling just isn't there anymore."

"Love her."

"You don't understand. The feeling of love isn't there."

"Then love her. If the feeling isn't there, that's a good reason to love her."

"But how do you love when you don't love?"

"My friend, love is a verb. Love -- the feeling -- is a fruit of the love the verb. So love her. Sacrifice. Listen to her. Empathize. Appreciate. Affirm her. Are you willing to do that?"

Covey goes on to admonish Hollywood for giving us all the deluded idea that love is a feeling and not a verb; we've all come to expect other people to induce in us some nirvanic feeling of bliss when in actuality that feeling comes as a result of loving someone (loving, as in the action word. the VERB.) He also offers a quote by M. Scott Peck:

"The desire to love is not love itself love... Love is an act of will -- namely an intention and an action. Will also implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love. No matter how much we may think we are loving, if we are in fact not loving, it is because we have chosen not to love and therefore do not love despite our good intentions. On the other hand, whenever we do actually exert ourselves in the cause of spiritual growth, it is because we have chosen to do so. The choice to love has been made."