a few new things

"Trust your own instinct. Your mistakes might as well
be your own, instead of someone else's."
~ Billy Wilder ~

"Trust thyself: every heart vibrates to that iron string."
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson ~

"trust" c. 2008 miz annie
(today's Daily Devotion)

I just finished the below pillows and am really pleased with how they came out. I love the Tree of Life motif and found a great deal on a bit of yardage from another Etsy seller. The other fabrics are a mix of funky stripes, a bamboo print, and a great asian "calico" that is shot through with metallic detailing. Sort of a mish-mash but it all works together. These are 14"x14" and are up on my Etsy shop now! I am working on another, larger, pair; those are for a gift.

Front view - Tree of Life panels surrounded by
batiks and asian metallics.

Back view showing the envelope closure with
green silk cord tied around wooden buttons.

In other news, I have another job interview coming up and am very excited about that. I am hoping that when I speak with the neuro-whose-a-maperson regarding my back, the news won't be quite so dire. I am hoping to maybe get in with the pain specialist and see if we can get some cortisone injections on board so that I can find a new job and get settled in before I have to have surgery. Also, if I am doing physical therapy in the interim, there's a chance I may not need the surgery .... I realize this borders on denial, but I am a healer, after all, and I trust that I will find a solution that won't involve me being out of work for an extended period of time while recovering from major surgery. I just don't see how I have that kind of time. I am trusting the universe to meet me halfway on this one. Because I really need it to. Unless, of course, the universe has even bigger and better plans for me, and in that case, bring 'em on!

The well of Providence is deep.
It’s the buckets we bring to it that are small.
~ Mary Webb ~

me and The Bean.

(photo by joan nixon, apparently the only person alive
who can take a decent photo of me. ;-)

what MRI stands for

If you think getting an x-ray is weird, try the MRI sometime. Not only does the machine enable someone to look at your innards, it will show a rendering of your innards in a three-dimensional kind of way. Like a hologram, only way creepier! My complaint about the MRI is not that you have to go lie in a tube that feels somewhat coffin-like (and it's all radioactive and loud - they give you earplugs so when you come out you aren't crippled and deaf), but that you have to lie in the tube flat on your back, which is a difficult position for those of us with disk problems. Lying flat on my back means that my disk presses on my sciatic nerve and sends a referring pain that feels somewhat like an icepick stabbing into my hip socket. Not to be dramatic, but that's as good of a description as I can come up with, and one which the MRI technician said was used commonly. So I'm not the only whiney titty-baby in this scenario.

<<<< EEEWWWWWWW!

(not my actual disk. mine looks less like a cartoon
and doesn't have any typesetting on it.)

Anyhoodle, it wasn't claustrophobia that got me, it was the pain spasms. "Oh," the technician said through the tinny speaker three inches from my nose, "you moved that time. We'll have to do that one over. Hold still, try not to breathe, this one's for 4 and a half minutes" BEEP BEEP BEEP. We had to do a couple of them over. I was in that damned thing for about 45 minutes. I tried to breathe really small and unobtrusive-like, using the Thich Nhat Hanh "i'm breathing in, i'm breathing out" thing, but the small voice inside me kept saying SHIT! I'm stuck in a tube! And there's an icepick in my hip socket! I lay there thinking, Gee, I don't remember the MRI being this painful when I had it done back in 2005.... When the results were in, the reason for that was clear. There is apparently further damage to the disk; I believe the technical term we use here in Maine is "stove up all to hell."

It's a sobering thought that the window of opportunity
for me to investigate certain career choices is fast closing.
I'm crossing acrobatics, logging, and stone wall
construction off my list. Dammit.

Conferring with my doctor this morning I was told that since my disk is "stove up all to hell" I could still do the physical therapy which might help a bit though it wouldn't fix the problem, and I could see the pain specialist and try the cortisone injections but it was doubtful even that would help much; what I really need is "surgical intervention." All in all, not a real uplifting chat we had there. I won't know more until I speak to the neuro-somebody-or-other who can look at those blobby pictures (thanks to me "breathing in and breathing out" just a little too vigorously in the tube) and see just where the disc is poking out and how we can get to it. Needless to say, I am disappointed and still hoping for some miraculous, minimally-invasive procedure to present itself (Magic School Bus in your Spine!)

In the meantime, send me good thoughts. And chocolate. Or, a funny joke.(1)

________________________________


(1) Oh wait, that reminds me!

Why were the pilgrims' pants always falling down?
......

Because they wore their belt buckles on their hats!



Why are gorillas' nostrils so big?
......

Because their fingers are.



What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
.......

Anyone can roast beef!



What does MRI stand for?
......

Because it hurts too much to lie down!

Chili Dog Haiku

small dog on my lap

dusted with Hint O'Lime crumbs

how I adore you

Chili Bean

Chili Bean is an adorable, funny, and very loving chihuahua min-pin mix I am currently fostering for Almost Home Rescue. If you are interested in giving Mr. Bean a forever home, please visit their website and fill out an application! If you have any questions regarding Mr. Bean's ample cuteness and endless entertainment value, just ask me! We've become pretty good pals over the past week or two, so I can totally vouch for this little character.

What it Means to Dream of Milkweed and Sunlight

"Not only are you
the shadow
that is dancing on the wall,
but you are the hand
that makes the shadow,
and you are the light."

~ Emmanuel ~

I have been here before,
But when or how I cannot tell.
I know the grass beyond the door,
The sweet keen smell, The sighing sound,
the lights around the shore.

~ Dante Gabriel Rossetti ~

(golden canopy, my back yard)

If we are only open to those discoveries
which will accord with what we already
know, we might as well stay shut.
~ Alan Watts ~

(green and gold, in my back yard)

Life is a gift, and it is yours to learn
how to receive, not to earn.
~ Lazaris ~


(Bittersweet [Celastrus scandens], climbing the columns that no longer hold anything up)


Once you understand the symbolic nature of physical reality,
then you will no longer feel entrapped by it.
You have formed the symbols, and therefore
you can change them.
~ Seth ~

( New England Asters, my side garden)

We have finally come to a place where we can read the symbols in our dreams, and use that interpretation to learn more about our waking selves, our waking lives. I think even the average person could give you a basic dream interpretation now, whereas a few years ago this was thought of as entirely "New Age" stuff (a term I abhor, by the way). Entire books have been written about dream symbology; how bodies of water represent the emotional life, for example, or a vehicle in which you travel signifies how you are making your way through your waking life. Before I divorced, I had nightmares in which I was riding in a car with my (then)husband; he was drunk, and driving recklessly, but we were going too fast for me to safely jump out. Of course, in real life my ex was "in charge" of where we were going, financially and otherwise, and the scenery whizzing past the windows was indeed frightening, as was the gas gauge on "empty." It was after my divorce, after I had gotten a new job and finally felt like I was again in charge of my own destiny when I realized I was back behind the wheel of my life, so to speak. In my dreams, I was driving. Sometimes a bicycle, sometimes a car, but I was behind the wheel(a.). I was choosing my own speed and direction, deciding when to stop to refuel.

Gill Edwards, in her book Living Magically, talks about the importance of remembering this concept in our waking lives. It is probably the single most important point connecting the metaphysical, "holistic" therapies with the evidenced-based Cognitive Behavior Therapy, of which I've written much elsewhere. We literally create our own reality with our thoughts. Somehow, so often, we forget this. We forget the three-fold law and the law of attraction and the inevitable consequences of "what we put out there." A good reminder, is to pretend that our waking life is a dream (as some have suggested, in point of fact, that it is), and interpret it the way we would interpret a dream.

Edwards' exercise:

1) Think of a situation, event or physical symptom you have experienced in the past few days. Write down this experience as if it were a dream. Try to ignore the clutter and detail, and look for the central themes or metaphors. Ask yourself why you created this experience. [...] Was it the mirror of your inner world -- your thoughts, beliefs, desires, emotions, fears, choices, or expectations? Was it guidance from your Higher Self? Or was it an opportunity to develop certain qualities -- such as unconditional love, forgiveness, inner peace, self-love....[...]
2) In the coming weeks and months, ask yourself as often as you can remember: 'Why am I creating this? Is it mirror, guidance, or opportunity? (b.)

_________________________________________________
a.) how fitting that the first car I purchased after my divorce was named "Escape." I still have it, and it's paid for. And if I'm going to use the exercise as above, I need to ask myself why, since about two months ago, the front, driver-side door only opens from the inside. hmmmm......

b.) Edwards, Gill, Living Magically: A New Vision of Reality. Piatkus Publishers, London, 1991. pg. 143.

Stumbling Toward It

“I do not at all understand the mystery of grace -
only that it meets us where we are
but does not leave us where it found us.”
~ Anne Lamott ~

“For grace is given not because we have done good works,

but in order that we may be able to do them.”
~ Saint Augustine of Hippo ~

“Grace is the central invitation to life and the final word.
It's the beckoning nudge and the overwhelming,
undeserved mercy that urges us to change and grow,
and then gives us the power to pull it off.”
~ Tim Hansel ~

“We're all stumbling towards the light
with varying degrees of grace at any given moment.”

~ Bo Lozoff ~

“Grace is given to heal the spiritually sick,

not to decorate spiritual heroes.”
~ Martin Luther ~

I'll have something from the light menu with a side of redemption

I have been so down, and so sore. I re-injured my back and the doctor I have been seeing for ten years would not see me because I am now on MaineCare. Mighty unfriendly, if you ask me. All my prescriptions ran out before I could get in to see the new doctor. I finally had my first appointment this past Friday, and not a moment too soon. I could barely stand up from pain (nor could i sit comfortably, or lie down, for that matter....) and was frustrated. And tired. Tired of being frustrated and tired. Perhaps the most demoralizing part of chronic pain is the effort it takes to pretend that you're not in it. Trying to keep functioning because you don't want to freak the kids out and you need to go to the job interview and you need to buy groceries but you're exhausted from not being able find a pain-free position in which you can sleep. Or sit. Or stand. When the doctor showed great empathy and started writing prescriptions for Prednisone and painkillers, and said she would get me in for an MRI and a pain specialist a.s.a.p., I couldn't help it -- I started crying. Sometimes great relief does that. It catches you by surprise. Sometimes you don't know how dark things have been until you find yourself blinking, gratefully, in the light.

photo by Joani N.
No, that's not a cane. It's a "hiking stick." Which for my
purposes just means it's a cane with a long handle
that I don't need insurance to pay for.

Our big tabby, Tucker, loves to walk with us. I live on a cul-de-sac dirt road that winds through the pine trees to the river. On either side are ditches of rainwater, blackberry brambles, milkweed. Dog and cat heaven, in other words. I've avoided our regular route the past week, because of my back pain and missing Dakota's exuberant, joyful presence. Snuffling through the fallen leaves, sampling ditchwater, racing around the meadow, this was Dakota's favorite part of the day. But today, the sun was shining and the smell of fallen leaves returning to the earth was delicious in the air. We walked down to the house by the river where no one lives, where the grass has grown long and the dogs love to roll around. Tucker follows along just like another dog, popping kitty wheelies to be petted, and purring in complete contentment.

Tucker leaning in for some love.
photo by Joani N.

Me and my man Tim.
Photo by Joani N.

After lunch we got the call to come pick up my newest foster, Chilibean. Chili is being returned to the rescue after living with a family in Vermont for ... a while. Apparently, it wasn't working out. Out of respect for the family who will likely never in a million years read this blog, I won't say much more than that. I will just say that I'm proud to be part of a rescue group that can, in less than a few hours, organize a transport chain of four drivers to get a sad, lonely little dog who's been tied out all day to a new foster home two states away where he can sleep indoors, have fresh food and water, hugs and kisses, and walks down a dirt road bordered with milkweed and blackberry brambles. The other volunteers know I'm having a back issue right now and to prevent me having to sit in a car for any length of time made sure they got him to the turnpike exit that's a mere 10 minutes from my house.

Chilibean. A.K.A. Chilly-Willie. Chill-Bill. Mr. Bean.
Beanie-Weenie. The Ween. The Bean. Teeny.


SUBJECT MUCH CUTER THAN HE APPEARS IN PHOTO.

Pictured here wearing the latest in phlorescent harness fashions for those walks during hunting season in New England, is Chilibean. Half Chihuahua, half Miniature Pinscher, Chilibean has the most beguiling features each breed has to offer. The apple head and soft flippy ears of the chihuahua set on the more sturdy, bi-colored min-pin body. He doesn't just walk or trot, he prances. Except for when he's chasing a cat, and then he FLIES! With unwavering focus! Well, to be more clear - Chili Bean LOVES the cats and is just being friendly. Several of my more dog-savvy cats know to just stand there and let him sniff them and he's happy as pie. Two of the other cats RUN, which makes Mr. Bean think he is supposed to chase them! What fun! Aside from these harmless shenanigans, Chili-Willy is a true lap dog; he'd rather be sitting on you than be anywhere else. He stands on his hind legs to ask to be picked up. He is eager to please and to learn new tricks. I don't think he's been worked with much, but with a little time and training he could be the star of the agility team's midget division, I just know it!

Yesterday, both he and I were truly at the end of our ropes. Today? We both got a little reminder of what the world looks like when the sun shines. And how grateful I am to know that it still can.

A few short for the upcoming three dog nights...

My foster dog, Dakota, has gone to live with his new forever family! I drove him down to his new home in Portsmouth, NH yesterday and he slept curled up with his head in my hand the whole way down. The lovely young woman who will be Dakota's new best friend has another dog for Dakota to play with and, in fact, her dog is super-shy and the hope is that Dakota will help bring the other dog out of her shell a bit.

It was heartbreaking leaving him there (those eyes! he was just so confused that I wasn't bringing him with me!) but I am confident that he is in capable and loving hands. Dakota is the kind of dog that is trusting and open to new people, and the fact that he bonded so strongly to me after being here for so short a time (he was here for a month, but he decided I was trustworthy after about four minutes) is a great sign that he is able to adapt and form attachments to new people. I, on the other hand, am having a bit of a hard time with it! I sure will miss that goofy, loveable guy. And, you know, now I'll be down by two when we have another "three dog night." Heating oil is coming down in price, that's true, but for me, a couple of dogs on the bed is better than a nice warm quilt or cranking up the furnace. Better for the environment, too, because you can turn that thermostat down a few notches at bedtime.

Adopting a dog is good for the planet! :-) If you're buying what I'm selling, you might want to visit petfinder.com for your next bedwarmer.

In the meantime, (speaking of the quilt option...) Here's what I've got in progress:

"Tree of Life" panels going into a modified log cabin design for pillows.

Strips for the "Pinwheels" version of the Bamboo & Pinwheels design.

You know, the one I couldn't wait to start and so I didn't bother ordering the pattern? Well, the bamboo portion was pretty easy but the pinwheels -- oy vey! I'm just winging it. If I can't get it to look like the picture in the pattern I'm just going to pretend I invented a new design. ;-)

Wedding Quilt

Well, it’s finally done, the quilt I started back in May. It is the “bamboo” version of the “bamboo and pinwheels” quilt that I blogged about last spring. I did most of the work back in May and June, then life got a little crazy and I had to put it aside for a bit while I put other parts of my patchwork life in order. This past week, however, found me happily sandwiching the quilt top to the batting & backing, topstitching along those dark green sashing lines, and attempting my first mitered-corner binding.

It’s definitely homemade. It’s not “square;” each of the mitered corners looks a little different, and there are puckers in some places. I am hoping the recipients will look beyond its imperfections and know that it was made with love.

While I was working on this piece, I was thinking about some of the similarities between relationships and quilts. A good relationship is a blending of two people, just like a quilt is a blending of different fabrics. If the fabrics are too much alike, there isn’t enough contrast. Things can get boring. It’s nice to have someone who can kick your butt if need be, or someone who can be up when you’re feeling down, and vice versa. But if the fabrics are too different, they can clash. The aim is for the parts of the whole to complement each other, play off each other. With a quilt, you start with a couple yards of fabric, you cut them up and put them back together in some creative arrangement that allows each to shine while at the same time making the whole add up to more than just the sum of its parts. A good relationship is like that. (I mean, that's what I've heard. Take all relationship advice from me with a grain of salt, or salt shaker...). Anyhow, that’s what I wish for you, Aaron and Nicole. That you always complement each other and that your differences will only be enough to keep life interesting. But most of all, may your marriage always be like a soft place in which you can find comfort and warmth.

Congratulations on your marriage, Aaron & Nicole.

Love, Auntie Annie

(and my quilt inspector, Dakota.)

"yeah. this one'll do. can I lay on it now?"