Cinco Ways to Cinco Your Mayo!

1. Wow! Today's the day that Mexico defeated the French in the Battle of Puebla in 1862.
Many people mistakenly think that Cinco de Mayo is Mexico's "Independence Day" (which is really September 16th). Of course, this isn't true. Mexico's journey to independence was a long and rocky one, and while Mexico attained true "independence" as a country around 1821 they had to continue fighting for their independence for years to come. I'm too lazy to paraphrase the better explanation that you can easily reference here, but the bottom line is that Mexico finally kicked France's arse in 1862 and that's why a perfect way to celebrate this holiday is to go to Taco Bell in an area with a predominantly French population. Biddeford or Lewiston would be perfect. If that's not feasible, eat some nachos while watching Amelie and pretending not to like it.(1)

2. Run out immediately and buy a chihuahua.
You know damned well you've been wanting to accessorize with a canine that fits in a sequined totebag, and what's cuter than a dog that sells tacos? Impulse-buying a chihuahua today allows you to be fashionable while simultaneously feigning an interest in multiculturalism.

You don't want to support the cruel and greedy puppy mills, however, so do NOT run to your local mall to buy the chihuahua. Contact a reputable breeder, or better yet, go online (oh, you're already online! how HANDY!) and google up your local CHiHuAHua ReSCuE GrOUp  and ADOPT ONE! If all else fails, steal one out of someone's truck. I am tired of seeing all these old farts driving around town with tiny dogs on their shoulders, as if they are trying to prove they are confident enough in their masculinity to wear a girly dog on their person. If you are man enough to drive a pickup truck then grow some nads for gods' sake and get a rottweiler or at very least a beagle, which you can pass off as a "hunting dog."  I am just kidding. I actually love seeing these big tough guys with the froufy dogs. The love they have for their beloved furballs transcends gender role expectations, and what could be cooler than that? For reals. Oh, and incidentally, if you want to celebrate by buying the chihuahua but really can't take care of it (I was going to say "but don't have the room..." hhahaha because they're so SMALL, see, that anybody has room,(2) so that would've been a really funny joke), uh, then buy one and give it to me.

3. I'd be remiss not to include this suggestion, even though it's so obvious it's more like a default: drink something brewed in Mexico (I know: duh.)

4. Find Mexico on a map!
This one should be fun and educational for the whole family. We keep hearing about Mexico and illegal immigrants and how we need to "secure our borders" and "protect our jobs." But let's be honest, how many of us really know where Mexico actually is? How many of us know where our actual borders are, unless we're talking about the bookstore chain? I'll bet there're a whole bunch of us still confusing Mexico with Canada, which is indeed a neighbor but to our NORTH, not to our SOUTH. You can tell the difference because that's where we get:

(oh look! there's a clever immigrant
sneaking into our country now!)

Point. Well. Taken.

But seriously. Don't we have more important things to worry about than securing our borders? How to afford the gas, for example, to drive to Biddeford to eat at Taco Bell? or what color of tote bag to carry our chihuahuas in? Let's get our priorities straight. That's what Cinco de Mayo is all about. And if it's not, it should be.

5. Learn some Spanish! Not to brag, but I am practically fluent(3) myself, and I have Dora the Explorer to thank for that. To my daughter, Dora is right up there with such important historical icons as Barbie, Sleeping Beauty, and the lady that gives her free lollipops at the bank drive thru. Why, just last night, I was forced to read this to Halle at storytime:

 

and would have refused(4) but decided I could pass it off as our Cinco de Mayo "celebration" due to all the Spanish words in it. After all, I probably won't be going to the Biddeford Taco Bell to celebrate with the gusto the holiday deserves. But I may possibly go to WalMart for Q-tips. In which case I will buy some Corona. And some limes.

Vamanos!

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(1) my maiden name was "Dusseault" so i get a lifetime free pass on all Frenchie jokes [so simmah down now, memere.]

(2) if you can tell me with a straight face you don't "have room for a chihuahua" i will assume you live in a farking Altoids tin.

(3) And by "fluent" I mean "being able to count to ten and say 'Let's Go!' in appropriate context."

(4) I try to discourage Christmas propaganda outside the month of December otherwise I'd be subjected to "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" and "A Wiggly Christmas" All. Year. Round.  Which has been been proven in laboratory tests to induce seizures in otherwise healthy and sane adults.